Soul > Ego
Choosing the path of integrity, even when no one is watching [alt.] "Maybe the word of the week is 'Character'"
Mind - Curtailing the need for instant gratification
It has recently come to my attention that I may have an issue with impulse control. I did not understand the full extent to which I had this issue until I started trying to get to the source of a few long standing habits that I’ve been actively unlearning. For those of us who have done any amount of self-work or therapy surrounding addiction, this should sound like a familiar pattern; you have an urge, you try to shake it off, it doesn’t go away, you become uncomfortable, you act on that urge, then you feel guilty—that guilt (or shame, which is a much harsher feeling in my opinion) then perpetuates the need to self-sooth, which is often by means of doing the “thing” we were urged to do in the first place. It is a never ending cycle.
I am aware that I talk a lot about cycles and cycle-breaking in this newsletter, but it’s only because I believe it is valuable to reiterate the importance of recognizing when a habit is worth breaking, versus when something should be cultivated using discipline. Steps toward healing usually come with a realization that we each have a certain amount of personal power, agency and responsibility for our own lives. We must take accountability for, and understand the consequences of, our actions. We must act with integrity, even when no one is watching.
All that said, this week I offer a strategy that is called urge surfing. For this practice, we literally visualize urges as waves, and interact with them accordingly. As an artist I really enjoy these mindfulness exercises that require visualization and an activation of the senses. The steps are as follows:
Sit in a quiet place, and close or relax your eyes.
Think about the urge that you want to surf. You can only surf one urge at a time.
Mentally scan your body. Figure out where you feel the urge most strongly (for example, your mouth waters when you are experiencing an urge to drink.)
Imagine that your urge is like an ocean wave. Waves are small when they start, grow big, and then break up. Watch the waves rise and fall over and over again as the intensity of your urge gets stronger and weaker.
Pay attention to your breath. Use the breath as a surfboard until the urge passes. No matter how big the wave gets or how much you feel as if the wave will swallow you, use your breath to ride each wave that comes.
As you’re riding the wave, you may find it helpful to silently describe the sensations in a neutral way (e.g., I notice my hand itches. The urge to itch is getting stronger. I want to use my other hand to itch it. With each breath, the itch is getting weaker.)
Practice surfing the urge waves for 1 minute. Add 1 minute each time you practice.
Body - Going for a long, sweaty walk
This is just a gentle reminder to go for a walk, if you haven’t been doing that lately.
It’s getting warm outside, and it’s quite nice.
Spirit - Towards home (aka yourself)
I walked home, alone, on the day of my high school graduation. One of my dear friends had been expelled and was in continuation school, and although he did not graduate with us, he still came to our graduation (class of ‘07) and watched us walk. After everyone tossed their caps into the air and dispersed, he found me in the crowd. He gave me a big hug and told me he was proud of me. We started crying.
I then looked up into the bleachers and saw my whole family sitting there cheery and eager to greet me. I physically could not bring myself to cry or be sad or show anything but happiness in front of them—not because they wouldn’t have consoled me, but because I was overwhelmed by my feelings and did not want to bring more attention to myself out of fear of being perceived.
So, instead of meeting up with them, I waved at them from the grass of the football field where I’d just graduated, snuck out the broken back gate, and walked home, sobbing. By the time they’d decided to return home, they found me fresh-faced and already changed out of my cap and gown and into normal clothes. I do believe they were confused and a bit taken aback, but we proceeded to have a normal, celebratory time. Having taken that time for myself, I was much more equipped to be present for the friends and family who showed up for me.
All that is to say, sometimes what the soul needs is a good cry and a long, sweaty walk towards home. I made a playlist about it. You can find that here: